Tomorrow, my life will forever be changed and it's really and truly hit me.
I promised to share with you, the good, the bad and the ugly and boy you are in for a ride with this little nugget, I am feeling a whole lot of nervous right now and I'm sharing it with you all....
So, tomorrow my whole life will change forever and it's really and truly hit me and I'm sad for the woman I will no longer be. I'm sad that for the rest of my days I will have to tick a box on any medical form that asks if cancer runs in the family and I will have to tick the 'yes' option to the 'History of Cancer' question.
I'm sad that I wont be able to hop in my car with just my keys and wallet and go to the shops and get something because now it will be a production of packing all my stoma supplies just in case it springs a leak and I'll need to use an emergency toilet in public.
I'm sad for the woman I have to say goodbye to and I'm scared that all these changes will rob me of my sparkle and enthusiasm for life.
I'm feeling the sadness all over me and today for at least a few moments, I allow myself to honour how I am feeling.
What has suddenly become so insanely clear to me in this moment is that tomorrow I will be on an operating table for six hours....six bloody hours! Bloody hell that's a fair amount of time isn't it? Wouldn't it be great if modern medicine could plug into my brain whilst I'm under and download a new language! Wouldn't that be awesome!! I wake up and I start speaking Icelandic!!
See, I don't stay miserable for too long, sharing these thoughts and the rawness of my feelings is quite therapeutic, sorry if I dragged you down a little.....
O.K let me now share with you exactly what the surgery entails...(In plain english peeps)...Are you ready, it's a doozy!
Firstly, you will recall from my previous blog that my large intestines were removed at the age of 21, therefore I only have the small intestines which were connected to the rectum.
* The tumour is sitting in the anal canal on the right side, very low down.
* To remove the tumour and cancer cells in the 4 layers of muscles that it has embedded itself into, I will need to have the entire rectum and anal passage removed.
* I will no longer have the normal functioning bits to be able to go to the toilet to do a poo! (If your squirming right now, imagine how I'm feeling writing this!)
*I will then have a permanent ileostomy. That is a part of my small intestine will be brought to the surface through my tummy, most likely on the right side, bag attached, and that is how I will forever and a day be passing my poo!! (The joy's)
* I will have this procedure performed laparoscopically and also with a bikini cut. (If everything goes to plan)
*I will also have what's referred to as a 'Barbie Butt', and will need to recover from the back end all being sewn up as well...Fun times ahead for me!!
And........that is just the mechanics of the surgery to remove the cancer. I then will be told next steps about whether I will need chemotherapy and/or radiation!! ...Ummmm, little overwhelmed here but I've got my mantra going on 'I've got to get through this to get past it'....
It's not easy to share all of this, but this is real life. It's not all rainbows and roses. All I can do is breathe, think about everything and everyone I am grateful for.
With my eyes closed and a smile on my face, I playback all the amazing adventures I've had over the years with my hubby and kids. My wedding day, family holidays, my kids graduation ceremonies....and it sparks the happiness......I'll be holding on tight.
Thank you for your support beautiful people, hug yourselves, kiss your loved ones....see you on the other side........